As usual at this time of year I tend to get a bit overly emotional.  To blame, at least partially, is the lack of sunshine in my life both literally and figuratively.  As the end of the year closes it is hard not to reflect back on the passing time.  This year has definitely been the hardest ever for me maybe with the exception of when I was 13 when all hell broke loose on me. But back then I didn’t have the responsibilities of what I do now, which… *sigh* I am just not going to finish that sentence.

This past year has been super hard health wise, where I have passed a few unhappy milestones and set some disappointing records for myself.  But overall I have had no decline since this year started.  But I feel now more than ever my life slipping away, I know most of it is just mental.  Not helping are the loved ones in my life who some are not realizing that I have been having a tough time, most are living in denial.  Then there are others, mostly friends or people I have dated, who don’t have a clue what I go through and then turn their backs on me because I have had to cancel some plans because I simply did not have the energy to go out of the house or because I caught yet another one of their colds.  This year has definitely shown me what makes a true friend.  I am coming to terms that CF is a very lonely disease.

From those who I dated, it hits harder than ever, the words still echoing in my head, “I looked up CF on the internet….”  now I stop them in their tracks.  I know what comes next… blah blah blah… you are going to die… blah blah… I am just not strong enough to deal… blah blah… It scares me… blah blah blah.  HELLO?! Have you come to terms with YOUR OWN morbidity?!  They make me feel like a charity case.  Wasting their time until Ms. Perfect comes strolling along.  I have heard this story from almost every single person I have dated.  I used to try to plead my case, try to get them to understand that they are mortal too, that they have no idea what their own future could bring.  Treatments are coming out by the bucket-load to help prolong my life, so goodness knows what my future will hold.  But it always falls on deaf ears, so I no longer try.

Thanks to those who have attempted to point me to the social internet sites where others with CF can bitch, moan and complain about their ailments, I appreciate your attempt… but seriously.  Knowing that others are going through the same thing really doesn’t help that much.  I want what most “normal” (as if there is such a thing) 32 year old women want.  So far, there is nothing stopping me but kismet, which I am promptly growing tired of the lack there of.  I see my friends getting married, having babies, getting divorces,  getting re-married.  Am I ever going to be able to experience those things?…  I don’t understand why I am so… second-class? disposable? undesirable?

No wonder why people with chronic illnesses end up with depression.  Not as if dealing with the illness is hard enough, but having to deal with people who are so uncaring… or maybe they are just out of touch with reality.

Physically, I feel alright, my health is stable (even though I had some rough bumps in the road), but I constantly have people are pulling me down emotionally.  I do have bad health days, but I think it is because of my emotions more often now than before.  Being sad makes me feel sicker.  Taking care of myself is taking up more of my time, but it is only because I have more of a desire to stay healthy, live longer, it is my last hope of a somewhat “normal” life.  Even if I am the only one hoping.