This past year has been super hard health wise, where I have passed a few unhappy milestones and set some disappointing records for myself.  But overall I have had no decline since this year started.  But I feel now more than ever my life slipping away, I know most of it is just mental.  Not helping are the loved ones in my life who some are not realizing that I have been having a tough time, most are living in denial.  Then there are others, mostly friends or people I have dated, who don’t have a clue what I go through and then turn their backs on me because I have had to cancel some plans because I simply did not have the energy to go out of the house or because I caught yet another one of their colds.  This year has definitely shown me what makes a true friend.  I am coming to terms that CF is a very lonely disease.

From those who I dated, it hits harder than ever, the words still echoing in my head, “I looked up CF on the internet….”  now I stop them in their tracks.  I know what comes next… blah blah blah… you are going to die… blah blah… I am just not strong enough to deal… blah blah… It scares me… blah blah blah.  HELLO?! Have you come to terms with YOUR OWN morbidity?!  They make me feel like a charity case.  Wasting their time until Ms. Perfect comes strolling along.  I have heard this story from almost every single person I have dated.  I used to try to plead my case, try to get them to understand that they are mortal too, that they have no idea what their own future could bring.  Treatments are coming out by the bucket-load to help prolong my life, so goodness knows what my future will hold.  But it always falls on deaf ears, so I no longer try.

Thanks to those who have attempted to point me to the social internet sites where others with CF can bitch, moan and complain about their ailments, I appreciate your attempt… but seriously.  Knowing that others are going through the same thing really doesn’t help that much.  I want what most “normal” (as if there is such a thing) 32 year old women want.  So far, there is nothing stopping me but kismet, which I am promptly growing tired of the lack there of.  I see my friends getting married, having babies, getting divorces,  getting re-married.  Am I ever going to be able to experience those things?…  I don’t understand why I am so… second-class? disposable? undesirable?

No wonder why people with chronic illnesses end up with depression.  Not as if dealing with the illness is hard enough, but having to deal with people who are so uncaring… or maybe they are just out of touch with reality.

Physically, I feel alright, my health is stable (even though I had some rough bumps in the road), but I constantly have people are pulling me down emotionally.  I do have bad health days, but I think it is because of my emotions more often now than before.  Being sad makes me feel sicker.  Taking care of myself is taking up more of my time, but it is only because I have more of a desire to stay healthy, live longer, it is my last hope of a somewhat “normal” life.  Even if I am the only one hoping.

Thanks to my family, I was able to finish my Christmas shopping with their help. The hardest part about being on IVs is my schedule. I have to be at home every eight hours to dose. Along with all my other time consuming nebulized medications, it is kind of hard to get every thing done that needs to be done. So thankful to have such a loving and caring family.

Santa was very generous to Puppy and I. Many singing and squeaking toys and yummy cookies for Bro. For me, a shiatsu massage chair cushion and a Wii!! How much fun!

This year I was very excited to celebrate Christmas ON Christmas. Last year we were buried under several feet of snow thanks to Mother Nature dumping a blizzard just a few days before, so we celebrated on New Years after the snow plows unburied themselves. It was such a mess.

My cousin B graduated college and younger cousin S graduated high school. Hope these boys know how proud we are of them!

New Years was quiet. Stayed at home because my lovely antibiotics were causing some issues. Chest pains, fever and that horrible pins and needles feeling all over. It was fairly scary. I stopped taking one of them that was causing a lot of nausea and it was also the culprit of the scary pains and fever. That was a relief. It is always a relief when you can find out what is causing problems. Since I was not feeling well a friend of mine came over and we watched many episodes of South Park and played The Godfather on the Wii. Although I didn’t feel very well, I still had a good time. But next year, I WILL stay up until midnight!

Some how I ended up feeling fairly bored and stuck with my life. Not sure why, but I thought about what I could change in my life and not really do much long term damage…. so I cut my hair! Not a huge life change, but enough to spice it up for a while.

Here’s the new cut, shorter and darker.

Kind of messy from partying and dancing all night long at my friend’s photography art show.

Bad health news this month. Looks like my diabetes is doing a number on my kidneys. The doctor thinks the damage will reverse it’s self once I get my sugar levels under control, but that is not what have read on the web. Yet my doc still did not want to get me an insulin pump. So frustrating. Why does everything seem so complicated? Seems like my friends are having a hard time understanding all of my health issues and don’t understand why I am so tired all the time. Sometimes I have had to cancel plans at the last minute because I realize I have absolutely no energy left to leave the house. I hope I don’t lose my friends because of my health. It really isn’t ME that is the problem, it is my poor weak body.

So much happened this month! I finally moved into MY new condo. Such an easy move since it is the exact same floor plan as the condo I was renting! Thanks to all who helped me move all of my junk! I couldn’t have done it with out you! Wonder how much movers would charge to move all my stuff one block. My best friend K did the most wonderful thing for me. She made my bed! Something so little, something so simple, but it meant so much. After moving boxes all day, unpacking the most necessary items, nothing felt better than slipping under the covers of a pre-made bed. Such a wonderful, thoughtful thing.

Had another appointment with my diabetes doctor. I practically begged him for an insulin pump. I just can’t mentally handle all these shots. I give myself 5-6 shots a day. Not an easy thing to do especially when I am already not feeling well because of my CF. Darn him for saying it would be a huge “cosmetic” change wearing a pump and I should really think about it. WHAT?!! I am sorry, but when you are raised around medical technology, wearing a little thing the size of a pager 24/7 is not a big deal when it comes to being HEALTHY! I bet he doesn’t have diabetes himself and apparently has no clue what it is like to personally deal with it. ARG.

In a promise to myself to become healthier I joined a gym. I went once, but found myself to tired to go again. I couldn’t get myself to wake up super early to go before work, and if I waited until after work I was so exhausted I couldn’t get the motivation to go. If I get worn down I am more susceptible to infections. I seemed to get more and more tired as the month went on, so I kept skipping out on the gym.

My best friend K finally got her Master’s degree!! YEAAA! Go K! Congrats girl!

I had an old friend surprise me on my doorstep on my birthday. I think that was the best gift anyone has ever given me. I love my friends. Life would suck with out them!

Went to a grand Halloween party. Wish I had remembered my camera. Dressed in a huge black and gold ball gown, with a gold mask and a crown, I named myself the Evil Step-Mother. We had so much fun dancing and playing DJ. Now how am I going to top that costume next year?! Halloween has to be my favorite holiday, I just love dressing up!

I spent hours and hours at Home Depot with great excitement of painting up the new condo. Finally a place I can paint any color I want, which leads to the difficult problem of choosing a color! I think it took me a good month to finally decide. How silly am I?!

I was already quite worn down due to the crazy busy summer, so I asked my docs for a round of antibiotic pills. Wasn’t sure if they would help, but at least I could try. I knew it would be another crazy month of packing and moving, so I best be prepared!

Setting down roots. I figured, it is about time. I have a good job, the condo is close to work, close to family… maybe I should consider investing in a little real estate instead of throwing my cash away with renting. I found a cute little condo in the same complex where I was renting, it was even the exact same floor plan as where I was already at. So I put an offer on it and it was accepted!!

I had a quite humorous experience at the coffee shop one morning

Coffee Shop Chick: Would you like to try a sample of our new pumpkin muffin?
Me: Does it have nuts in it? Because I have an allergy.
Coffee Shop Chick: Oh shucks, yes it does. It has pumpkin nuts.
Me: Pumpkin nuts?
Coffee Shop Chick: Yea it has those pumpkin nuts….
Me: You mean pumpkin seeds?
Coffee Shop Chick: Oh yea! Seeds!!!
(Wow! it’s a lot brighter in here all of a sudden!)

A friend of mine has a service dog, Sunny. She is a lifesaver, quite literally. It got me thinking. I wondered if there was such a thing as a Diabetic Alert Dog. Sure would be a good idea for me. My biggest fear of my diabetes is that my glucose levels will drop to low and I will pass out. With no one at home but me, that is a very scary thought. Which is why I suffer from constantly high sugar levels. These dogs will alert a diabetic if their sugars become to high or to low. Then the person knows to check their blood glucose levels and act accordingly. How handy!

After a little Google-stalking I found that there IS!! Shoot, there even is a program where you could train your OWN dog. It requires a three week training stay in Missouri. I thought about it for a split second before I realized that my company only gives 88 hours of leave, and I use that up doing my yearly tune-up, doctor’s appointments, and such. Well, including the charge of $6,000 for the training… scratch that idea off the list. I’ll have to figure something else out.

Still dealing with high blood sugars. I just can’t figure out this insulin vs. carbohydrate thing.

Noticed my continuous blood sugars were really causing issues. I started to take a more active roll in trying to control them, but I felt so helpless. I had such a hard time figuring out how many carbs were in the foods I ate. I was so scared I would go to low and not realize it until it was to late (I still have this fear). But, it seemed like no matter how much I tried to gain control, I just couldn’t. I still have this problem today. There are just soooo many factors that affect blood sugar levels it is crazy!

All of the busy busy made me sick sick. Tried a round of antibiotic pills, didn’t really work, but I was so not ready to deal with the hassle of IVs. So I just dealt with my coughing and lack of energy. Hope all my coughing didn’t distract my coworkers to much!